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To my Dear Wife,

During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times.  I have
succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every 10 days.  The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often!

    1.  The sheets are clean ............................ 44 times
    2.  It's too late ................................... 17 times
    3.  I'm too tired ................................... 49 times
    4.  It's too early .................................. 20 times
    5.  It's too hot .................................... 15 times
    6.  Pretending to be asleep ......................... 15 times
    7.  The neighbors will hear us ......................  3 times
    8.  Headache ........................................ 22 times
    9.  Sunburn .........................................  7 times
   10.  Your mother will hear us ........................  9 times
   11.  Not in the mood ................................. 37 times
   12.  You will wake the baby .......................... 17 times
   13.  Watching the late show ..........................  6 times
   14.  New hairdo ......................................  5 times
   15.  Too sore ........................................ 16 times
   16.  Wrong time of the month ......................... 12 times
   17.  Have to get up early ............................ 19 times
   18.  I promise tomorrow .............................. 16 times

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because
16 times you just laid there , 8 times you reminded me that there was a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you up to tell you that I had finished and
once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

To my Dear Husband,

I think you have gotten things a little confused, here are the real
reasons you did not get more than you did!

    1.  Came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat ......  5 times
    2.  Did not come home at all ....................... 36 times
    3.  Did not come ................................... 21 times
    4.  Came too soon .................................. 33 times
    5.  Went soft before you got in .................... 19 times
    6.  Toes in a cramp ................................ 10 times
    7.  Working too late ............................... 38 times
    8.  Have to get up early to play golf .............. 29 times
    9.  In a fight and someone kicked you in the balls .  2 times
   10.  Caught in your zipper ..........................  4 times
   11.  Got a cold and your nose is running ............  3 times
   12.  Coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue ..  3 times
   13.  You had a splinter in your finger ..............  2 times
   14.  Lost the urge after thinking about it all day .. 20 times
   15.  Came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.  6 times
   16.  Too busy watching football on TV ............... 98 times

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets.  I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?"
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to
breathe.