My pickup lines are at the end of my file where I save this sort of stuff. I'm dumping the whole thing below: I'd love to, but... 1 I have to floss my cat. 2 I've dedicated my life to linguini. 3 I want to spend more time with my blender. 4 the President said he might drop in. 5 the man on television told me to say tuned. 6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant. 7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture. 8 it's my parakeet's bowling night. 9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People. 10 I'm building a pig from a kit. 11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it. 12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy. 13 there's a disturbance in the Force. 14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling. 15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted. 16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel. 17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products. 18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl. 19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves. 20 my crayons all melted together. 21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes. 22 I'm in training to be a household pest. 23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled. 24 my patent is pending. 25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door. 26 I'm sandblasting my oven. 27 I'm worried about my vertical hold. 28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise. 29 I'm being deported. 30 the grunion are running. 31 I'll be looking for a parking space. 32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then. 33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots. 34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving. 35 I have to fluff my shower cap. 36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian. 37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other. 38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist. 39 my plot to take over the world is thickening. 40 I have to fulfill my potential. 41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone. 42 it's too close to the turn of the century. 43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary. 44 my subconscious says no. 45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store. 46 I left my body in my other clothes. 47 the last time I went, I never came back. 48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting. 49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters. 50 none of my socks match. 51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda. 52 I'm having all my plants neutered. 53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War. 54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out. 55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator." 56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer. 57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky. 58 I'm touring China with a wok band. 59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night. 60 I never go out on days that end in "Y." 61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it. 62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism. 63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down. 64 I'm too old/young for that stuff. 65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair. 66 I have too much guilt. 67 there are important world issues that need worrying about. 68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship. 69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others. 70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps. 71 I feel a song coming on. 72 I'm trying to be less popular. 73 my bathroom tiles need grouting. 74 I have to bleach my hare. 75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner. 76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons. 77 you know how we psychos are. 78 my favorite commercial is on TV. 79 I have to study for a blood test. 80 I'm going to be old someday. 81 I've been traded to Cincinnati. 82 I'm observing National Apathy Week. 83 I have to rotate my crops. 84 my uncle escaped again. 85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup. 86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar. 87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed. 88 I have to go to court for kitty littering. 89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush. 90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner. 91 having fun gives me prickly heat. 92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me. 93 I have to jog my memory. 94 my palm reader advised against it. 95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then. 96 I have to stay home and see if I snore. 97 I prefer to remain an enigma. 98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] . 99 I have to sit up with a sick ant. 100 I'm trying to cut down. 101 ... well, maybe. -- He has a Roman nose - it roams all over his face. The first time i saw her it was 9:08. I know because that is when the clock stopped. She just lost ten pounds, she brushed her teeth. He has the face of a saint -- a Saint Bernard. May god have mercy on your soul. He didn't have it on your face. Why don't you give yourself a treat? Paint all your mirrors. She's so ugly, Peeping Toms ask her to pull down her shades. He can swat flies with his nose. She had a coming out party, but they made her go back again. He looks like a million -- every year of it. After half a day in a beauty salon, she still hasn't been worked on -- they're stll busy giving her an estimate. -- A CHEMICAL ANALYSIS OF A DIGITATED, VERTEBRATED, MAMMALIAN BIPED ---------------------------------------------------------------- ELEMENT : FEMALE HUMAN CHEMICAL SYMBOL : WO DISCOVERER : Adam ATOMIC WEIGHT : Accepted as 118 but is known to vary from 100 to 160 (Mutations have been known to exceed 400 lbs.) OCCURRENCE : Surplus quantities in all urban areas APPROVED FORMULA: 36:24:36 USES : i) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars ii) Most powerful money reducing agent known iii) Can be a great aid to relaxation or a continuous source of frustration PHYSICAL PROP. : i) Surfaces usually covered in painted film ii) Boils at nothing and freezes without reason iii) Melts if given the proper treatment iv) Bitter if used incorrectly v) Found in various states ranging from common ore to virgin metal vi) Non-magnetic but attracted by bank notes vii) Yields to pressure applied at correct point viii)In its natural state it varies considerably, but the shape is often artificially changed to conform to that of a perfect specimen. Such transformations are only discovered by an experienced eye ix) In some instances may start to gain weight and look like they have swallowed a basketball and then proceed to take on qualities of a XEROX copier and start to to make copies CHEMICAL PROP. : i) Possesses a great affinity for gold, silver, platinum and precious stones ii) Able to absorb great quantities of expensive substances iii) May explore spontaneously if left alone with a male iv) Insoluble in liquids but activity is increased by saturation in alcohol v) Properties are vastly improved if specimen is placed in the dark TESTS : i) Pure specimens turn a rosy tint if found in the natural state ii) Turns green if placed beside a better specimen CAUTIONS: i) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands, must be used with great care and patience if experiments are to succeed ii) It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen but a certain amount of exchange is permissable iii) When detaching a permanent specimen get appropriate counsel because the SPECIMEN COULD DRAIN THE BLOOD FROM YOUR VEINS INDEFINITELY. -- Pickup lines: # 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" # 2. "Is that a false nose?" # 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." # 4. "I'm drunk." # 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." # 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" # 7. "I just threw up." # 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." # 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed # like that." # 10. "Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. # 11. "I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look # pretty good." # 12. "Excuse me, do you live around here often?" How about: "You have a nice skull." (Actually used against a female friend of mine) "You'll do." (Arguably one of the 12 *best* ones) You know, if you cut off both of your arms, you'd look just like Venus Di Milo? -- THE CANONICAL (complete for non-mathmeticians) LIST OF PICKUP LINES That dress would look awfully nice on the floor next to my bed... Do you want to see something swell? Hey babe....do you realize that my mouth can generate over 750 psi? Drop 'em. What do you like for breakfast? Is that a double ended dilldo or are you just glad to see me? Is that a tic-tac in your pocket or are you just glad to see me? Hi there! I'm interested in having breakfast with you. Can I call you or nudge you? Excuse me. Do you wanna f**k or should I apologize? Irish : Have you got a little Irish in you? She: Uh...no.... Irish: Well, do you want some? Pardon me but I was just about to go home and masturbate and I was wondering if you'd mind if I fantasize about you? Say, didn't we go to different schools together? Wanna fuck like bunnies? Why don't you come on over here, sit on my lap, and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up? I had a friend who used to hand out calling cards which said: Smile if you want to sleep with me then watch the victim try to hold back her smile... Hi, my name's Ron, how do you like me so far? Sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between us --------- I had a friend give a card that on the front: 1 2 3 4 Pick a number and then on the back of the card it read: Sex maniacs always pick 3 you wouldn't believe how meny women pick 3. It was a great card. --------- You smell wet. Let's Party. Pardon me miss, but I help noticing that you have cum in your hair. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money? Would you like to dance, or should I go fuck myself again? Hey baby, let's go make some babies. At the office copy machine: Reproducing eh? Can I help? Would you like Gin and platonic, or do you prefer Scotch and sofa? ----------- From: MAD Magazine: Classic Flops Spring 1986. 9 Very Unsuccessful Pick-up Lines: --------------------------------- 1. "Would you like to see my boa constrictor?" 2. "Is that a false nose?" 3. "You look like a hooker I knew in Fresno." 4. "I'm drunk." 5. "Hi, my friends call me Creepy." 6. "Would you like to come to a party in my toolshed?" 7. "I just threw up." 8. "You're ugly but you intrigue me." 9. "I had to find out what kind of woman would go out dressed like that." ------------ Gee, you don't sweat much for a fat chick. You look more beautiful than Nurse Chapel Miss, If you've lost your virginity, can I have the box it came in? I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW! Walk over to a table occupied by ladies, whip out your `pud' and say: Hey charlie, see anyone here you recognize? I require a tissue sample. May i sever a little-used portion of your body? (brandish forceps) Hey, wanna see my R2-D2 impersonation? (Think about it...) Hey baby...infect me! Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a bumper?!? Hey baby...can you suck the chrome off a trailer hitch? Hey baby...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose? Hey baby...can you suck start a Harley? Motion your finger to a girl to get her to come your way. When she arrives say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would c*m." Hey babe, how about a pizza and a f**k? What's the matter, don't like pizza? I saw you at the party last weekend and you look kind of interesting... Let's meet sometime... I've had quite a bit to drink, and you're beginning to look pretty good. --------- The front reads: +------------------------------------+ |No Phone No Business| | | | | | | | | | | | No Name | | | | | | | | | | | |No Address No Money| +------------------------------------+ And the back reads: +------------------------------------+ | I'M A SILENT SEDUCER | | | |Any chance to crawl in the sack with| |you tonight? | |If so, just keep the card: If not, | |kindly return it because they are | |expensive. | | | |I'm not as good as I once was. | |But I'm good once as I ever was! | | | |P.S. You don't have to say yes | | Just Smile!| +------------------------------------+ ------------- She (to passing man): Excuse me, do you have the time? He: Do you have the energy? What is your favorite position on extramarital sex? Hey babe, Wanna get LUCKY!!!!!! "Say mother! Want another?" (if she has children) Suck my dick or I'll blow your fucking head off. [requires a gun] No, I'm not a cop. What can I get for fifty bucks? Will you marry me and have my children? [unfortunate side-effects: beware!] If you ever want to see your children again, you'll do what I want. You're hitchhiking across the Mojave Desert? Alone? I'm really sorry about Al. It was a lovely funeral. You look ravishing in black, did you know that? What you need now is a nice backrub. Are the straps too tight, darling? How tragic. How very, very tragic. Inheriting eighty million bucks doesn't mean much when you have a weak heart. Bond. James Bond. Stand back, I'm a doctor. You go get an ambulance, I'll loosen her clothes. It's absolutely pure Bolivian. And I don't *give* it away. Nothing I can say will ease of the loss of your daughter, but rest assured that the Morgenstern Funeral Home will do everything possible to bring you peace of mind in this harrowing time. Hello, Susie. Your mom couldn't make it this afternoon, she asked me to pick you up and take you home. My, what a pretty dress. You know, I'd really love to fuck your brains out, but it appears someone beat me to it. Excuse me, do you live around here often? Excuse me, I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together? Would you like to see a baby picture of me? (Shows the girl the picture of a baby better endowed that most men.) Hello, Love, - Do you spit or swallow? You look like the type of girl who has heard every line in the book... So what's one more?? Hey babe -- did you know I'm on the Harvard Mailing List? Your place, or mine? What's your sign? Nice shoes. Wanna f*ck? Would you like to have morning coffee with me? Excuse me, do you wanna spoon or should I apologize? You have the ass of a great artist. FOLLOW THESE INSTRUCTIONS: 1: MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE IN THE FRONT OF THE PERSON WHO YOU'RE TRYING TO ATTRACT. 2: PUT YOUR HANDS IN A VERTICAL PLANE AND SEPERATE YOUR HANDS TO THE PROPER DISTANCE YOU WANT TO GET ACROSS 3: LOOK AT THE PERSON OF YOUR AFFECTIONS AND WITH A SHIT EATING-EAR TO EAR GRIN SHAKE YOUR HEAD UP AND DOWN AS TO REPLY THAT YOU'RE THIS BIG! There's the old classic from the movie Fletch: (to girl in towel): Excuse me, could I borrow your towel? My car just hit a water buffalo. Your face or Mine?? Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, article of clothing)? Him: I like nothing better. The best pickup line I witnessed was a friend of mine who walked up to a young lady in a club and asked "Are you ready to go home now?". They left together. Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you. That's a nice dress - could I talk you out of it? If I told you that you have a nice body, would you hold _IT_ against me? When asked for a match: How about the hair on my head and the hair between your legs? Take off that dress and fuck my brains out you cave newt. Nice tits. Mind if I feel them? I love you. I want to marry you. Now fuck my brains out. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist. Let's take a shower together --you smell. I've gotta thirst, baby, and you smell like my Gatorade Kiss me you fool, fuck me you harlot. I've got an itch, honey. Lower. lower. in. out. If I was Elvis, would you screw me? I want to thank you for [insert any event here], Grab your ankles bitch! Wanna play carnival? That's where you sit on my face and I try to guess your weight. If you want me, don't shake me, or wake me, just take me. Want to see my stamp collection? Want to come see my HARD DRIVE? I promise it isn't 3.5 inches and it ain't floppy. I wanna floss with your pubic hair. I'm on fire. Can I run through your sprinkler? I'd look good on you. Didn't anyone tell you that you wanted to sleep with me?!?! I thought you knew... At the dinner table, (if you eat together) pickup the bread and say, "Wanna roll?" Excuse me, have I fu**ed you yet? I'd give you a piece of my mind, but I've got more of something else. Ever tried those wierd prickly condoms?" (sure to get responses) Funny you should mention that, I was a gynecologist once. Cold out isn't it? (staring at breasts) Ya' know, that outfit would look great on my bedroom floor..... "Actually, Ma'am, Ah'm not as tall as you think. Ah'm from Taixus, and Ah'm sittin' on mah wallet." Hey! Ya wanna try out my new 'Home Artificial Insemination Kit?' I would kill or die to make love to you. I would die happy if I saw you naked just once. I am writing a new algorithm, and I need some test data. What are your measurements? I have some hard code I want to try your compiler on. Top Ten Elf Pickup Lines 10. "I'm down here" 9. "Just because I've got bells on my shoes doesn't mean I'm a sissy" 8. "I was once a lawn ornament for John Bon Jovi" 7. "I can get you off the naughty list" 6. "I have certain needs that can't be satisfied by working on toys" 5. "I'm a magical being. Take off your bra." 4. "No, no. I don't bake cookies. You're thinking of those dorks over at Keebler" 3. "I get a thimbleful of tequila in me and I turn into a wild man" 2. "You'd look great in a Raggedy Ann wig" 1. "I can eat my weight in cocktail wieners" -- Late Night with David Letterman, from Michael Wertheim Sometimes it can be helpful to start with a complement. eg. after "accidently" bumping her boobs, noticing a loose button, etc. say "If they weren't sooo large it wouldn't have happened" Sex is a killer ... so die happy! I love every bone in your body - especially mine "Hey... somebody farted. Let's get out of here." "Say, Didn't we go to different high schools at the same time?" The most common pick-up line used in a gay bar: "May I push in your stool?" I have only three months to live (heard it in a movie ... of course, this was all before AIDS) Chicks dig me; I wear colored underwear. Excuse me, is it true that you're a sexual tyrannosaurus? I'm a copilot for American Airlines. Hi, I make more money than you can spend. That dress would look great on the floor next to my bed. Nice shoes, wanna screw? Want to go get a pizza and then screw? Excuse me... do you have change for a $100 bill? Hi! Can I buy you a Car? NOW, B*TCH! Fancy a fuck? My face is leaving in 15 minutes. Be on it. -------------- Lines by women: -- Please may I rest my head on your shoulder? -- Do you know how to use this? [a vibrator] -- How about a night of passion in Doncaster? ----------- He: "What was that?" She: "What was what?" He: "That sound." She: "I didn't hear anything." He: "It was the sound of my heart breaking." --------- There's always Harlan Ellison's great failure: Q: Wha'dya say to a little fuck? A: Go away, little fuck. ----------- How about the best response to an unwanted pickup? Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Female impersonator. ---------- You've got the whitest teeth I've ever come across..... Female to guy: Hi, you look like a real wanker. (pause for effect) Want a break tonight? The guys usually spend so much time trying to convince you that they're not a "wanker" (that ego thingy) that in the end they are trying to pick *you* up!!!! A couple of women were looking for a table. As they passed by our already crowded table my friend touches one of them on the arm, says "Looking for a seat? Here, let me clear a place for you", then wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. ---------------- "If we are what we eat, I could be you by morning." "Pardon me miss, but are those your thighs or do you have bulldogs shoved down your pants?" __ Sit on my face and I'll eat my way to your heart.